Part Two: Through Surgery and Chemotherapy: A Story of Endurance and Love”

The Day Everything Changed

“We found a tumor, you have cancer.”   Still sleepy from the sedation, I took a second or two to take that in. I had been in the hospital for 7 days recovering from a surgery to remove an obstruction in my GI track.  “Yes, was my first thought, that makes sense," given my history of UC.  But the shock wave of reality hung around me.  As this physician elaborated on this new situation, I said : “wait, lets call my husband.”  He had left the hospital briefly and was on his way back.  We had brief conversation with the doctor, myself and my husband on the phone and then I was taken back to my hospital room. I waited for my husband to walk in.  He walked through the door and we look at each other.  How many thoughts must have been going through his head. I can image. My head was full of some of the same thoughts I am sure.  It was a quiet conversation, built on the facts that we were told just 20 minutes prior.  There were no tears, but we were somber; our minds caught up in this devastating news that didn’t seem quite real. Yet. We had so many questions.  I looked out the hospital window and new this was real, it was happening. And just like that my world changed and so did that of my family.

Entering a New Reality

When I got home from the hospital we began navigating: get this -  oncology appointments.  Just think about that for a second.  I had a new doctor, an oncologist surgeon.  It was surreal. What followed in those few weeks was a treatment plan and a surgery date to remove the tumor.

All of this is happening to me and around me and I made a decision that no matter what was ahead of me, I would take it one day at a time.  I would move ahead with what was needed. I never asked “why me” - I knew why me.  I also knew in the deepest parts of me that I would be ok, I would heal.  The complexity of an emotional roller coaster was ahead of me.  I was very sick and I felt it.

One of  the first things I did was seek out community support that could help me navigate this new terrain.  I was motivated to not wallow in the unknown, but to begin the healing process in the now.   I was also scared shitless and I needed a group of like minded people that new how difficult this was. I found a wonderful cancer support group that I attended weekly.  I cannot say enough of the amount of love I received and gave these women.  In some ways, they saved me.

I also engaged in a sound bath healing the week after I got home from the hospital.  As I lay on my mat on the floor in a half circle with other participants, I let the sounds resonate through every cell of my body.  The vibrations were in every crevice in my physical body.  It was a wonderful stereo of sound in my ears and every part of my being. I let the sound wash over and through me.

It was a paradox of feeling healing and peace mixed with moments of fear of what I knew I was going to go through in a month - a impending second surgery in four weeks and then I would be facing chemotherapy. Really, I was in denial of this, I had it in my head that if the cancer had not spread to any lymph nodes that I would not need chemotherapy. I had watched my mother as she went through chemotherapy for breast cancer.  I knew it was beyond difficult, It was suffering while killing cancer cells.

In the days and weeks that followed we had some good news:  The CT scan showed that I had good margins for a colon resection.  This meant that I would be able to live a full life unencumbered by a colostomy bag.  Initially, there were concerns that the tumor was close to the rectum.  Thankfully, my oncologist surgeon was confident that surgery margins were good for a sigmoid removal.

Surgery and Setbacks

The surgery was successful, but I laid in the hospital bed sick with uncontrollable nausea and a strong reaction to a common anti nausea medicine.  My hands contorted into misshaped cramps that I could not control and the right side of my face sagged, I looked like I had had a stroke.  Of the many nurses that I had during this time, most were very kind.  This nurse, was not.  She was rude and uncaring and told me there was nothing wrong and that I was ok.  Did she not see my face?  My husband was in disbelief.  Thankfully, the Physician on the floor I had a good relationship with and she came to the rescue and got me started on medicine to help me.

Facing Chemotherapy

Once I recovered from this surgery, my labs showed cancer cells were still hanging around in my body.  Many of my lymph nodes were also removed. The diagnosis was stage 3c and chemotherapy was around the corner.  Onward I went.  6 months of brutal chemotherapy followed.  The drug protocol for my treatment plan was rough.  This was truly the most difficult part of this journey, I battled with uncontrollable nausea with every round of chemo and had two more hospitalizations because of the severe reactions I was having to the drugs.

Hospital infusion room, a 6 hour drip

My oncologist had such compassion for me as we navigated a change in medications.  I could not eat.  I slept away the summer and I don’t remember much during this time.  Which is a side effect of chemotherapy. At the same time my husband and teenage daughter were feeling their own pain of the watching me sick.

The day my chemo port was installed in my chest

The Lesson In Love

My husband was an amazing support and kept showing up and loving me through all of this: surgeries, chemotherapy, breakdowns and getting sick constantly.

One day, months into chemo, thin and weak; I was standing at the top of our stairs,  I had a break down; I was in front of Tim with tears running down my face screaming “I am not ok, “I am not ok!” He said, “ I know honey, I know”. 

He held me and let me cry.

He was everything, is everything. The amount of stress he must have been feeling for months and no way to relieve my discomfort. This man held me up, was there at every moment I needed him, he was at every doctors' appointment.

He walked with me through all of it.

He was more than more. 

What a gift of complete love and devotion he gave me. 

This was the lesson. There would be more lessons coming.

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🤍 🤍 Stay tuned for Part Three, where I’ll share: Through the darkness, Light was all around me.